


'til then, my muse

by visualodds



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Letter, M/M, minhyun was the one who broke up with him btw, written by seongwu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-22 05:48:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17054324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/visualodds/pseuds/visualodds
Summary: seongwu tries to say goodbye through a letter.a closurefor a new start.





	'til then, my muse

**Author's Note:**

> hug me - 정준일

november 7, 2015

 

i know i shouldn’t be writing this, i guess i probably should have ran out of words to write about you by now. the pain you built and inflicted upon me all at once should have rusted every bit of poetry out of me but you — god, you are still all that they come from, since then and since now.

your departure has hurt me more than i thought it would. it’s something i will never understand and something i refuse to understand. we were so happy, you know? we were so happy just a week before - i think that was the happiest moment of my life.

it was 2 am, i don’t think i’ve slept in three days, and i was just about to indulge on another cup of coffee to get me through the night. it was 2 am and you sang my favourite song for me.

_please just stay by my side, please remain here, don’t let go of my hand as you’re holding it in yours, if this takes you a step further away from me, all i have to do is take a step closer, isn’t it?_

you were just sitting there at the edge of my bed with your eyes closed, swaying side by side on your thin white shirt. i don’t think i’ve ever seen you smile and laugh that genuinely before, and i thought – ah, i haven’t felt this happy in a long while. i never thought something so trivial and mundane could make me want to convince myself that this is the kind of person i wanted to live with for the rest of my life. in a time i was desperately looking for an escape, i found out that i didn’t need a way out, i only needed something to make me believe that it wasn’t such a bad place after all.

i always imagined a future with someone who knew how to make me laugh in between my tears, and you were always the one who did that for me. no, you were more than that. you were always my sliver of hope, my sigh of relief. you always knew how to use your words and you always made sure you knew where to find me where i wanted to remain unseen.

you told me it was gonna be okay, you told me we can get through this together. we did, everytime you told me that, we did. i don’t think the charm stayed true ‘til the very last time you said it, though, because i don’t think we ever got through that anymore.

was that, maybe, your farewell? your goodbye? in a disguise that i can stay right in that moment forever so you can just go without a hinch of protest from me? without the sound of your foot steps leaving? because that was the worst you can do to me. you could have just hurt me slowly until i can convince myself that i hate you. that i despise you. that you are absurd and everything that we’ve ever had together. you could have helped me let you go. you could have just showed me slowly. you could have taught me how to help you go your way out of the door but in between the state of cloud nine that you left me in, i opened my eyes and you were not there anymore.

but.. i will not sit here and wait for you to come back. that is not what you taught me. you taught me to be kind, so i will be kind to myself and not wait for something i am no longer certain about anymore. i always believed i’ll be happy with you, i was certain of that. i always knew you would be there for me, i was certain of that. i always knew i loved you, i was damn.. god damn certain of that.

but i am not certain i will ever see you come back again. i am not certain i will ever see you standing in that door you once stepped out out of anymore.

and so, i will let you cut your hair short and change the bed sheets we once spent the night sharing our secrets in. you don’t have to worry about me anymore. i will let you move on. i will let you meet new people. i will let you fall in love and smile again – just the way you did to me when we first met, but now – i suppose - to another person. i will pass by you and smile like none of these happened. the seasons will change and we will cross paths again, but we will continue walking towards that direction. like the past two years, we will grow, just not together anymore.

it will take me a long, long time to forgive you, minhyun; i cannot promise i will no longer think about you. i cannot promise i can learn to unlove you (do i really have to?). so forgive me because until then, i will still write you notes and hide them secretly in between pages hoping you can find them if i ever lend my books to you again. i will still watch movies and put them in a list thinking i can give it to you one day. i will still listen to guitars strumming and sing along, pretending you’re still the one taking a hold of the chords. i will still read poems and write about you. and i will still laugh at our inside jokes and make people wonder what i find so amusing about them. perhaps, until then, all the strokes of every form of art i will consume and create will reek of the two years i’ve had with you.

and when i think of you, minhyun, i will always go back to the morning that we met. when the golden sun rose high just right - not too high and bright that it is blinding nor too low and dim that the sun can’t be seen. just right enough that i can see your eyes turn into crescent moons against your sillhouette as you laugh and smile shyly when you realize you accidentally bumped into me halfway through laughing so hard at a joke you told to your friends.

when i first saw you that morning, three years ago, i think it was then and there that i knew i loved you.

goddamn. i still do.

it’s funny, you know. you really are, as what they always say, something else.

you really are something else, hwang minhyun.

whether what we had has brought me trouble and whether it has hurt me or not, i will always be thanking the stars for letting me meet you. of all the by chances i’ve encountered and of all the luck that stayed on my side, you are the one that i will always be most grateful about; the laughters, the stories, the secrets, the arguments— it will always be here, minhyun, occupying the space in my heart you have now vacated.

the last two years wouldn’t have been half as great without you.

i miss you.

everyday that we are apart, i do.

 

 

_‘til then, my muse,_

_seongwu_


End file.
